I struggle often with moving through emotional states and I tend to feel things very intensely. But, I have such a hard time deciphering what the emotion is or why I’m feeling that way it makes it difficult for me to move on from it or communicate efficiently why I’m a blubbering mess. A lot of the times if someone asks me what’s wrong I genuinely could not tell them, not because i’m too emotional but because I just can’t connect the dots in my mind.
Writing these little thoughts down while I’m processing these emotions helps me put a physical thought down to correlate it with a real cause. Sometimes I just write down the things that caused me to breakdown and sometimes I write down thoughts I’m having while in that state. From dealing with the reality of my mother’s stage 4 cancer diagnosis to feeling like my whole life is upside down, these are all very raw and very real emotions translated to written word. They aren’t dated but every space represents a different thought or state of mind, a different time, a different day. Each segment of text is its own. Enjoy.
tears cleanse emotion
like salt in your veins
after i cry i feel awake, unburdened
the salt dissolves all cause for pain
When will it come?
By day or night?
When the moon is high amongst the stars or as the sun sets below the horizon?
Will a fall breeze bring with it your final breath?
Or will winters grip squeeze the last of the magic from your eyes?
I know it’s coming.
I don’t know when.
And that may sooner kill me than it will you.
Work work work work
until the moneys all gone
I was such a sad kid
I remember keeping myself from crying, feeling like i was holding up a mountain with just my eyelids
I cried over everything
The dentist
A bad grade
Mom’s been gone for too long
The gas is on E
I feel so small
she only has a few years left,
most of that i will spend working
my own life will come to an end and i know i won’t feel like i’ve done everything i wanted to
i can’t imagine how she feels
i wont get to see her get old and wrinkled, all white hair
she wont get to see my children, hold them, love them
what will i do when i need help? when i need advice? she is always the person i turn to, i try so hard to face things on my own but when they get too much and i have no idea where to go, i always go to her.
what will i do when there isn’t anywhere else?
how did so much time pass?
how did so much change?
why can’t i wake up?
everything in my life recently feels like a dream. it’s all so different now. living in a new place, not knowing any of the people i knew before, my mom dying, it just doesn’t feel real. the trees and the grass and the earth, they feel real. but this life…
i just want to wake up. want everything to go back to how it’s supposed to be.
tragedy and trauma are not devastating, destructive things, without them you would not be human.
we don’t kill ourselves, not because we don’t want to but because we can’t
we don’t keep living because we want it but because we have to.
life is tragedy
being human means experiencing tragedy
and every single person has their own
trauma doesn’t mean youre broken
it’s not something to be fixed
you’re human, feel, don’t numb
my childhood feels so sweet like candy
the pictures bring back more
smells and feelings i miss everyday
long gone
a new life surrounds me
it doesn’t feel like me, like my time
my time is there, i live there, in those pictures
this new me is someone else
not worse
but different, no longer me
i’m not wanted.
what do i do wrong?
too clingy
i don’t have good advice
i just say what i think i want people to hear so they’ll stay with me longer
i don’t have actual opinions
or morals
or anything
nothing about me is me
everything is manufactured from the people i’ve loved
secrets
i live for those little moments
when someone opens gently, slowly,
little pieces of them cracking away
light shining through
the things they thought they had locked away
deep deep down
i want to see those things
to live them with you, to experience them as you experienced the
to feel as you did
the closeness that comes with sharing your soul
i crave that
i want to live there
in the raw emotion, in the hollow room where stillness is louder than the sound of becoming undone.
Thanks for listening…
